Temperament: Tense
Record: "Backmask" By Mindless Self Indulgence
*sigh* So for those of you still reading this damn thing, hello. I'm back home on a small visited mandated by the family. I've come to the conclusion that interaction with my family has got to be the strongest form of self induced depression I have.
Things had finally stabliized in my life and I was starting to feel really good. Like...I don't know like I was myself again and the person I've been acting like to the past few years was someone else. You ever get that feeling? You think back to how you've acted for a period of time and you realize that you've really only been doing what was expected or things that would make other people happy. Hm lately I've been behaving much to my own accord. If I want to spend an afternoon outside reading I do it. If my phone rings and I dont feel like answering I dont and I dont feel bad about it. I've also been a lot more honest with myself and others. Instead of trying to keep most of what I say censored I just say exactly what I think. It feels nice to just...breathe...I scream in the stairwell sometimes...it feels good. I embarass myself often by yelling across the campus to get Quita's attention. All these simple stupid things we dont do because we're oh so grown up. Maybe I'm regressing but I can't help but feel that I'm not.
Coming back home kinda made me run into a brick wall of all this free living. My dad is always talking about something. I usually just agree with what he's saying whether I really feel that way or not. I feel a lot like those Jesters in Shakespeare's plays that say one thing and mean another. I feel like Feste. I say what the king wants to hear and I get to live another day. My mom only opens her mouth in my general direction to complain to me about soemthing or another. I nodd and listen but with every passing syllable I get more and more tense and the desire to run gets overwheleming. I spend almost every waking moment with Ben. We play Ape Escape 3 and talk in a language my mom doesn't even try to understand anymore...she use to speak it...she really doesn't have time for anyone but herself anymore. It bothers me a lot, but Ben shows it enough for the both of us. "Nevermind" has become his phrase of choice with my parents. I see a lot of me in him. It's sad. I was hoping he'd be the happier child. Misshelved children in this library house...I wonder if there's any record of us in my parents minds.
Junior and I talked today. It was a small moment of grace in an otherwise bleak-ish day. Spare time is dangerous as I've said before. I'm going to leave this place angry and I already know it. I had a dream the other night. I had kids...handsome young son and a small daughter. It felt weird...I know what they look like and I know their names...I know who the dad was too. You could tell to look at them lol they had nothing of me in them. My son had the necklace I wear. I'm not sure what to really think about the dream. It was a bleak one. I wasn't really in it. I don't know really to say about it that wont seem really deranged. Lol maybe I'll e-mail the "dad" of my kids and tell him that my son turned out just like him. Ben woke me up during my dream he said that I sounded like I was in trouble. Not surprising there. Kurt's woken me up sometimes. When he wants to eat lateer than 5 (in an attempt to keep from being hungry at like midnight and spending money on food) I usually fall asleep. He says that listening to me sleep is a little worrying. He's woken me up before to make sure I was okay because I'd whimper or cry. I have nightmares a lot and I guess people can tell. My mom said I was like that for a little while when I was litte. I'd wake myself up because I'd yell and come to her crying about all sorts of craziness. It stopped soemtime and then started back up again...I think it's stress...or worrying induced. I wish I slept like Quita ^^ The only noise Quita makes when she sleeps is snoring lol.
I had another dream too where I met this guy...his name was Ashley and he was Vietnamises and Cambodian...wtf right? He was sweet lol.
Finished Jin with Ben...it was a kick ass series...definately a series I would sit and watch again....repeatedly. The best part is that it's almost 13 totally unrelated episodes. It really sounds weird but it's a really great idea trust. I mean there have been a thousand times I wanted to watch Fushigi Yuugi again but it's 50 episodes and holy shit you gotta remember what's going on at the time if you pick a random episode. I'm sure Eva people feel the same way. Jin was kinda like Cowboy Bebop.
Anyway...I'm just rambeling. It's late and I drive back tomorrow.
Cheers,
Kim
